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WiiU MAD?


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Destroy All Fanboys

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Are you a fanboy? Chances are pretty high that you may have been infected with the mind altering virus known as “FB”. Fanboyism! Its deadly and can permanently ruin your gamer credibility. The symptoms include severe delusion, hypocrisy, all sorts of “Tomfoolery”, vast ignorance, and pure stupidity. If you find yourself with any one of theses symptoms contact your local gamer and have him simply slap the snot out of you! If you know someone infected with “FB” stay clear of any gaming related conversation and under no circumstance should you ever attempt to debate video games with someone infected with “FB”. It may result in you hanging yourself. Slapping the snot out of them is the only course of action. Currently three strains of the “FB” virus have been identified. The Sony, Xbox, and Nintendo strains of “FB” have been identified by the CDC and tagged as extremely dangerous. Here is a breakdown of each strain of “FB”, please read carefully and follow any instructions provided. Your gamer credibility depends on it.

MICROSOFT XBOX FANBOYS

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Known as “Xbots” by fanboys of other consoles, Xbox fanboys are probably the most delusional and self conscious of the bunch. “Xbots” are secretly depressed due to the fact that Microsoft chose to spend money and resources on the useless Kinect and bundle it with every console instead of beefing up the hardware to match their rival, Sony. “Xbots” claim that this isnt a factor due to Microsoft announcing new SDK’s and the new Directx update. “Xbots” know darn well that this will not significantly boost the consoles performance but believing so makes them feel less idiotic when they engage in the obligatory, “My console is better” pissing matches with Sony fanboys. The delusion really kicks in after Microsoft’s servers go down, effectively turning the Xbox One into a useless brick yet “Xbots” will pretend that they aren’t affected by this unfortunate mishap. Lets not forget about the “Power of the Cloud”. For “Xbots”, the “Cloud” is the Holy Grail in their war against the Son Fanboys. They believe that the “Cloud” will magically turn the Xbox One into a powerhouse console rivaling or even outperforming the Playstation 4. In the words of Shuhei Yoshida…”So stupid”.

How to fight off the “Xbot” strain: Remind Xbox fanboys that the Xbox brand is not essential or a core focus of the billion dollar giant known as Microsoft. Don’t forget to remind the “Xbots” that everything the Xbox One can do, the PS4 can do just as good and in some cases it can do it better. Like graphics. Follow that up with a slap to the face!

NINTENDO FANBOYS

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Probably the most annoying of the fanboy family, Nintendo fanboys or Wii U weirdos as they are known in some circles, can be very hypocritical. Nintendo fanboys swear they are the experts on what “true” gameplay looks like yet they will ignore gaming classics like Uncharted and Halo simply because they are not developed or published by Nintendo. If a game debuts and its visuals are mind blowing, the developers are immediately attacked and accused for being more focused on graphics than gameplay. Nintendo fanboys swear they want new games and more games from third parties but if that particular game doesn’t feature coins and mushrooms or feature the name Mario in the title then they will not buy it. One of the biggest problems of a Nintendo fanboy is that they refuse to criticise the very company they say they love. They will accept anything. Late games, no games, poor third party ports, no voice chat, a horrible online shop and an underpowered system, but as long as Nintendo president Satoru Iwata comes out and says…”Please understand” then all is forgiven. No harm no foul right?

How to fight off the Wii U Weirdo strain: Remind Nintendo fanboys that third party support is NEVER coming back to the Wii U and that their console is vastly underpowered. When Nintendo fanboys respond with…”Our games are better” then you remind them that the Wii U has been on the market for over 2 years and is just now becoming relevant. Thats sad. Follow that up with a slap to the face while wearing a Power Glove!

SONY PONIES

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Talk about arrogant and delusional. Sony fanboys are many things but they can never be accused of having common sense. Sony fanboys are affectionately called “Ponies” and probably because they act like little girls. “Ponies” only have a few words in their vocabulary similar to ancient cavemen. “Resolution…mine…better.” (Grunt) “Ponies” find themselves to be superior to other fanboys do to owning a powerful console and take pride in their company throwing shots at the competition. “Ponies” have short memories. They forget that last generation they were stupid enough to buy a $600 dollar toaster called the PS3 with its crappy online and bad Xbox 360 ports. This is significant because it shows the “Ponies” willingness to to fall for any of Sony’s lies and tactics. “Ponies” actually thought that the PS VIta would be a hit and out perform the 3DS. Yeah…Go ahead, take a minute or two to laugh about it. Oh, and dont forget that they said the same thing about the PSP. Ha, ha, ha. Anyways, “Ponies” swear that their online is just as good as Xbox accept they seem to ignore the fact that it crashes way more frequently. Oh, and the hacks. Good Lord, the hacks!

How to fight off a “Pony”: Remind them that Sony can barely afford to pay their own light bill and not to mention that Sony’s first party titles don’t sell. Also, remind them that Sony pays their employees in food stamps. No need to follow this up with a slap to the face just shoot the damn “Pony”!

Thanks For Playing

Yes, yes, I know I was a bit harsh today but I was just poking fun at the gaming fanboys. This whole fanboy vs fanboy vs fanboy war is getting ridiculous, don’t you think? Now if I offended you I apologize but just maybe you need to lighten up and stop being a fanboy. We are all gamers and we all love this industry to a degree. Lets just enjoy gaming together and respect what others game on regardless of the console of choice. Lets just have some fun and forget about resolutions, the cloud, ultra textures and all that other crap. Just enjoy your games.

Oh yeah, hey fanboys?! Wii U Mad?

brace yourself


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NintenDoomed? Caution: must be read with an open mind!

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“you cant do this on Nintendo!”

If your’e a “fanboy” then…

DON’T READ THIS!!

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64 bits of failure

       A New generation of gaming brings on a whole new set of reasons why Nintendo is once again doomed. Remember the N64? Of course you do. It gave us Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Mario 64, Wave Race 64, Mario Kart 64, and Smash Bros. alongside a few other honorable mentions. Outside of the legendary first party support, the N64 didnt get much support from third parties. Not like the playstation. No Final Fantasy, no tekken, no street fighter, no resident evil (until a port of RE2) no Metal Gear and i could go on and on. The point is that the N64 may have been the beginning of the end for Nintendo. Relationships with third party developers weren’t as smooth as Nintendo probably wanted and the fact that no one wanted to put their games on  a cartridge based format anymore proved to foreshadow the events that would one day reshape the industries perception of Nintendo. 

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Nintendo forgot to pack enough delicious third-party support in my purple lunch box!

The purple piece of #!!##**!!!##@@@ (don’t try and think of a word that fits)

       Continuing the trend of not wanting to be like everyone else, Nintendo released the Gamecube. At a time when Microsoft and Sony were releasing consoles that had built in DVD players Nintendo opted out  instead going with a proprietary mini DVD format. Third party support for big games was once again all but absent. I can remember many people in the gaming media calling the Gamecube a purple lunch box and poking fun at the fact that Nintendo included a carrying handle on the back of the console. Hard core Nintendo fans were treated to Smash bros. Melee, Resident Evil 4, Metroid Prime, and Zelda Wind Waker but anyone who owned a PS2 or Xbox would have little reason to pick up Nintendo’s purple box. When the consoles lifespan was nearing its end, chants of “Nintendo is doomed” filled the air. Despite being a successful console for Nintendo it was clear that the industry was moving past the 80’s gaming giant in favor of a more realistic and “mature” (i use that term loosely) gaming trend. 

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You want me to come over and play with your WHAT!

       The Wii. Stupid name, fun innovation. When the Wii first launched it had everyone excited. You. Me. Our mom’s and grandma’s. Everyone was on the Wii bandwaggon. No one cared that the console was pretty much a Gamecube with a motion controller attached. They cared about what mattered most. The innovative new way to play games. Once you got beyond Wii sports that’s when things looked different. Where were the great first party games. We got Mario Galaxy 1 and 2. We got Zelda , Metroid and Smash Bros. Brawl. The consoles first few years looked pretty bright. Fast forward to about year 3 and its a different story. A complete drought. Don’t you dare mention Kirby! I do acknowledge the Last Story and Xenoblade. What else? Not only was the Wii under powered which began to become more noticeable as the years went on but the console had the worst representation of Nintendo’s first party titles outside Mario Galaxy. Nintendo even stopped supporting it in the end. Oh and i didn’t even touch on how everyone made fun of the stupid name. Yeah the Wii sold far greater than any system not named the Ps2 but lets be honest. The Wii was crap. Worst Nintendo console of all time. Period. 

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Will this time be any different?

       By the way things are going with the Wii U i’m not sure things will be any different than they were with the Wii. I’m speaking in terms of third party support in which the Wii had none. Already  the Wii U is missing out on franchises like Bioshock, Tomb Raider, GTA5, and Crysis. Developers have even stated that making a game for the Wii U just doesn’t make business sense for them. That’s sad. Analysts are now predicting that Nintendo will have to consider bringing its first party titles to other platforms. I think Nintendo would willingly go under before they do that but the point is that as it stands right now no one seems to have any faith in Nintendo and once again are calling it “The End” for the company. Apparently sales of the Wii U aren’t even that stellar. What can Nintendo do to change this?

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This could be a game changer

Nintendo could make or break themselves at E3

       Nintendo has a lot to prove with the Wii U. Anyone who doesn’t believe this needs to stop being a “fanboy” for just two seconds. Key titles are missing from Wii U’s 2013 line up. We don’t know of any first party titles coming outside Pikmin 3. Why should anyone buy this console. Nintendo’s E3 event could provide the answers. Ken Levine once said that Bioshock would never come to the Ps3. Look how that turned out. We could very well see an announcement made for a Wii U version at E3. What about GTA 5. Unlikely but if Miyamoto was really out and about personally trying to persuade third parties to jump on board then you would have to think his influence holds some weight. Lets just say we get the worst case scenario at E3 and the Wii U gets virtually no third party support. Nintendo would have to bring out its major first party franchises in a way that revolutionizes them in the same way their N64 counterparts did. We would need to see major Nintendo titles release in 2013 and starting early in the year, too. With no announcements yet, Nintendo needs to make waves before E3. Nintendo needs to give us one of their Direct video’s detailing a major release that’s not Pokemon related. At the end of the day i think that the worst case scenario for the Wii U is that it could end up another Gamecube. This isn’t all that bad since Gamecube gave us some amazing software. Nintendo doesn’t need another Gamecube though. It sure as hell doesn’t need another Wii. Nintendo needs the Wii U to be looked at as the second coming of the greatest console of all time. The SNES. I think next gen they should hang up the “Wii” name and focus on a more core experience. Its what people want. Gamers don’t want innovation. They don’t want fun. They want realistic graphics, and shooting. Period. And sex. And cursing. And nudity. Point is Nintendo is looking mighty outdated the more time time passes. Microsoft and Sony could very well push Nintendo out the door with their new consoles. Heck, this may be the last Nintendo console i support on day one. As of right no my Wii U is a Netflix player. 

As always, i want to know what you think and tell me…What makes Wii U Mad?